Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
